Belong with the world or with yourself ??

Have you ever had, the feeling of emptiness regardless of what you do? I went through that experience, and everything felt hopeless. I wanted to be happy like others, so I told myself, I will do what others do… if you are someone struggling to find yourself, trying out various things, and struggling to fit in, this is for you.

In my story, I ran after women to resolve the emptiness, because romance books and movies told me, It would 'complete me'. I ran after drinking and smoking because I failed to accomplish the latter. I wasn't much of a drinker or a smoker, because my moral ethics stopped me. Everything I did, made me incomplete because I compared my progress to the world. My sense of worth or feeling complete was determined, based on whether I had everything that the world had.

Like how children model their parents, to learn how to behave, Chuang (2021) discussed that this modelling behaviour could continue even in adulthood. Discussing this with the topic of emptiness, when one does not have the right guide to feel content, one may try and copy others, searching for a model.

Growing up, I thought those who drank, smoked, and had girlfriends were complete, and I modelled them. It was no surprise that smoking and drinking didn't help me belong. Craving to be with women and trying to get their attention didn't help either. In the short run, they did help for a brief moment where I felt valid, pretty and belonged, but it was all very fleeting. The feeling vanished after I got sober or when that pretty girl who looked my way walked past and away.

A search within me. This was my next move after many failed attempts, at what the world told me to do. I started chasing competency. I became an Academic, a Psychologist, a Biker, a Musician and a Boxer. I did these, not because someone told me to, but purely because I, and only I wanted to. I knew I was not great at it, but when I slowly started to get better at it, I felt good. so rather than belonging with the world, I  found things which were mine in the world and this helped me relate to myself more.

Years passed, and I still struggle with loneliness and crave companionship. This emptiness was filled with God and spirituality and this made me feel belonged wherever I went. I soon grew to be someone, who would get accepted in any place and situation. I started feeling belonged in a gym, where I spoke psychology. I belonged with IT Professionals who only spoke numbers. I belonged with party animals while not forcing myself to be one. I belonged with myself and did not force myself to be something that was not me.

So I invite you to get good at your art. Respect your needs and your body. Change and work on whatever you want, and not because it doesn't fit your social group.

Don't buy a new phone just because your mobile charger broke.

Change your charger. Your phone works just fine. You are just fine

Writer: Joel Sam | Psychologist.

Reference:

Chuang, S. (2021). The applications of Constructivist Learning Theory and Social Learning Theory on adult continuous development. Performance Improvement, 60(3), 6–14. https://doi.org/10.1002/pfi.21963