It's only an ink-blot

It is very easy to make me believe that I am ‘not okay’. A death stare from my boss, a sigh from a friend, or a question I raised in a meeting that got ignored—these small incidents can trigger that belief. When I try to be ‘okay’, I easily slip into self-destructive thoughts. For example, once when I was trying to make a joke on stage, it didn’t land well. The resulting awkwardness made me fall into the ‘I am not okay’ position effortlessly. The worst part came afterward when I convinced myself that I was ‘never okay’ to begin with. Why did I even try to be cool?

Recently, I was in a reckless accident where I could have ended up in prison. While going through this ordeal, I told myself, "I am a kind person." Even though I made a mistake, it doesn’t mean I was, or will be, forever bad. I agree that I was embarrassed—and to an extent, I still am—but I paid my dues. As I share this story, I think of all the prisoners, the accused, and everyone else who has been labeled as ‘not okay’ by the world. I wonder how hard it must be for them to find a place in this world when they keep hearing that they are ‘not okay’.

Growing up, I was often told ‘I have good English.’ I compared myself to others and felt validated by the positive feedback. However, I also received a negative stroke: ‘I am a fat guy.’ So when I confidently spoke in front of crowds, I would randomly remember that negative stroke and become self-conscious. I would jump into the ‘not okay’ position and end up speaking quickly, almost as if I were rapping, hoping to get off the stage as soon as possible. So even if I was fully prepared I ended up looking bad. Whenever I remember the negative strokes, I discard all the confidence and all the evidence that proved I was good on stage. To make it worse, I minimize myself, thinking that others know I am ‘not okay.’ I would speak in a low volume, delete a lot of content, and speak less. Over time, I internalized the belief that I was ‘not okay’ in every aspect of my life. Even though I initially received negative feedback only about my weight, the ‘not okay’ position spilled over into every part of my life, becoming the only lens through which I viewed myself.

Gradually, I learned to return to the ‘I am okay’ life position, even in situations that usually scream ‘not okay’, like the one where I almost went to jail. I did this by simply zooming out. Imagine an ink blot on a white canvas. When you focus on the inkblot, the rest of the canvas becomes invisible. But if you step back, you may see that the canvas is quite large, still very fresh and neat. Unlike the canvas, which is limiting, life is ever-growing and expanding, giving you the opportunity to zoom out your lens and see that the ink blot is only a negligible speck.

Finally, I ask you, the reader, to remember that you are ‘okay’ the way you are. Even if you have made any so-called “unforgivable” mistakes, ‘You are okay.’ There is a place for you in this world. The world will be quick to judge you for your actions, so react from a state of okayness. Blindly believe that ‘You are okay’ without any proof or justification. Stop feeding the part of you that feels ‘not okay’ and punishing yourself. Scream out loud ‘I am okay,’ and move ahead in search of joy, because that is where you belong.

a zoom-out of the same inkblot in the first picture