Crafting your greater self.

The attempt to move away and take control of your life is a beautiful journey. I have learned that the mind becomes stagnant once it gets used to repetition. Every day we take in new information whether we like it or not. If our behaviors, thought patterns, and ideologies stay the same throughout and do not adapt to the new information and environment, we might have a growing discomfort in the back of our consciousness and could make you feel stuck, like in a loop. Most people realize that they are in a loop. Some make an effort to break free, and only a few succeed. This article is for those who want to make the effort but don't know how to. Walking towards healing can be so alien and unknown to the human brain and this process could be difficult to do by yourself with your current knowledge. This is where I want to highlight that it is completely alright to get assistance from friends, family and if that is not available, learn more about your life patterns through journaling, therapy and even through art.  

The American Psychological Association refers to personality as the enduring characteristics and behaviour that comprise a person’s unique adjustment to life, including major traits, interests, drives, values, self-concept, abilities, and emotional patterns. Many psychologists have explained the structure and development of personality until the present moment. Now, I will discuss a theory of motivation called the self-determination theory which will help us to develop our personality. 

We humans were all born into the world with different resources, in different cultures, with different expectations, and so on. This makes everyone’s life script different. For example, growing up in a South Indian family, I was not allowed control over my life in the younger days, I was monitored and restricted.  Once I became an adult, I was forced to grow up and learn it all faster. My environment of growing up and my available resources are going to be different from yours. It was different even for my biological brother. therefore, no matter the past, once the recognition of the need for change happens, the motivation to break the cycle strengthens. Here is an action plan to develop your personality. This has helped my friends, clients, and even myself. Give it a try.

1. Do something that makes you feel in control over life. A hobby, a skill, or even a relationship where you can control the sails. Get autonomy

2. Develop mastery over things that are important to you. You do not have to be the best, but you need to be on the journey towards being great at what is important to you. 

3. As much as autonomy is important, connectedness (belongingness) is essential. A skill needs to be polished and used, and for that, you need to be around people who are in need of your skill. Belong with a group which adds value to you and you add value to others. It may be very effective in creating strong relationships. Reach out to a group who do things in which you like to gain mastery. If that is too hard, you open a platform, a beacon inviting others to join you. Once you find where and how you want to grow up, you will start attracting similar kinds of people. So keep exploring and learning about yourself.   

Autonomy, developing mastery, and belongingness can build character and personality. This has worked for many, but this is not airtight. Instead of assessing if you can accept or reject this idea, I invite you to treat the above like a checklist and to what extent you are content with the three tasks. 

The golden rule I give my clients and myself is to keep moving. We might not be where we want to be, but we need to keep traveling there, no matter how far away our ideal dream may be. My English teacher from high school kept saying “Stop existing, Start living”. Though I didn't know what it meant then, now I understand the importance of taking control over one’s life by being joyful with as little stress as possible and not living the role that the world pushes us to be. I remember a client of mine who was guided to be a lawyer. She was smart, but although she was great at it, she was unhappy. After months of exploration and trying out multiple things, she has chosen a field completely different, and though has very less knowledge and experience in it, she still strives to be the best in that.

The world may make you feel bad for not staying up till 4 am partying and might make you feel like a loser for not drinking or doing drugs. You can fall into that trap and choose to just exist in this world, or rather you can live life exploring what makes you happy. Attempt to do as much of what makes you happy, and do as much work to support your actions that make you happy. You would be surprised how the chances of burnout, would be almost zero when you do and behave for yourself, and not how the world wants you to be. Everyone’s version of love and enjoyment need not be the same. So start your walk of self-exploration.